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May. 13th, 2007

...and then she realized

It wasn't my choice


Today should be a day of complete peace.  A day where children can honor their mothers and express their love and adoration.  So, why did I sit in church, holding a delicate iris in my hand, with tears clouding my vision?  Why did I feel that I was left out?  That I was in a world I don't belong in?  There was a little girl sitting with her mother about two pews in front of me.  Her mother was doting on the little golden headed five year.  She was arrayed in a paisley yellow sweater.  Under that, she wore a pretty pink frock.  Yes, she was blissfully happy.  Her mom was middle aged was well dressed.  She looked like a typical tennis mom.  Anyways, she obviously loved her daughter as much as the little girl adored her equally enchanting mother.  When the little girl started to cry, mommie gently pulled her daughter into her lap, kissing her forhead, and hushing her gently....

   What would this do to a girl of eighteen who missed, longed for that relationship with her mother?  Broke her...But she pushed the tears away.  She won't cry.  She won't cry over spilled milk.  Why should she?  Someday...someday...it would all be better.  So, womanly courage took over and she called her mom to say "Happy Mother's Day," the image of mother/daughter still fresh in her mind.  The conversation seemed distant...but it was something.  

     So, with this tiny ray of hope in her heart, she finds that it was all a facade.  Mommie was going behind her back, yet again, to hurt her.  She couldn't take it anymore.  

     So what did she do to deserve this?  She isn't sure, and she really does not want to know.  She wants to pretend that everything between her and mommie is fine, although she knows that it is not.  It's not fair.  

    Oh, little girl, if only you knew.  Hold onto your mommie.  She is precious, she is the apple of your eye.  That is how it need to be.  Lean on her and learn all that she knows.  Keep her close.  Don't break her heart.  Do everything that you can to make her proud.  Don't deny who you are, but continue to let her love you.  Because she does love you, and you know.  Follow her, and honor her...then, you will be truly at peace when it is time to leave the nest.

Oh, mother, please, hold onto your little girl, she needs you so much.  When she is tender, hold her tight, hush her gently.  Do not throw her dreams out with her when life gets tough.  Speak gently to her, she is a tender flower.  Be loving to her, no matter what.  Let her know that she come to you with anything and everything.  I know that you love her...just make sure that she knows that.  She will be strong, secure, beautiful, just like you, in your love.  Love her, mom, love her always...

Oh, but Mother, I've got vices like any other man.  Vices that you're not used to...Vices that'll make you think less of me.

Happy Mother's Day

Apr. 6th, 2007

don't leave

It's gone...all gone

I will do whatever it takes.  I deleted all of my anime.  All of it.  I don't need it.  It's not who I am.  It's not who I want to be.  I'll start over.  All over.  But I don't need it.  I don't have to be independent.  I don't have to be tough.  I don't need to keep a gun poised at my head twenty four hours a day.  I don't need it.  I don't want it.  I'll do whatever I can to change.  I'll get rid of whatever else I need to cut out to stop.  

Don't come down on my sacrifice.  Don't try to stop my self-genocide.  Just accept that I need to do this.  For me, for you, for God.   I'm not denying who I am...I'm denying who I was.

I love you
tied to you

An apology for my anarchy

Too far, too long...my heart is trying to be strong/  I sit in my never ending silence and count the tears falling from the sun/  what is this loneliness my heart pours out as it breaks in two?/ my frustration mounts as I bite my tongue and push myself down into the shell that is myself/  and no one understands/  i am not darkness, i only sleep there/  the light pushes itself upon me and wakes me to another day/  but why?/ this loneliness has eaten me/ much like the blackeness of night slowly eats at the moon until there is only a sliver left/  i stare at you and scream for you to answer me, but the paper only silently peers back/  i pull the picture down and tear it apart/  run away/  run away from you forever/

Too far, too long...my heart is trying to be strong/  I cannot force my mind away from him/  it's been to long/  my heart aches to find solace in his arms/  my mind seeks justification in his voice/  i beg for the control/  beg to submit to someone who loves me/  so why am I frustrated when it feels like I'm not good enough?/  i know I am...but why can't I accept it?/  why do I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with my words glued to my lips?/  why do I say stupid things?/  why do I scream for a silent tongue, and yet, I still speak the words that cut and tear/  the words that kill/  why doesn't someone cut my tongue out so I won't hurt anyone, so I won't say idle words that only get me in trouble?/  why?/ why can't I just shut up?/  why?/  why do i insist on being different than everyone else?/  why do I have to assert myself to justify my prideful actions?/  why do I feel that everyone should conform to what I think and everyone should like my ideas?/  why?/  

my heart is in a state of constant panick/ trying to understand itself but hurting you in the process/  what happens if I go over the edge because I can't keep my mouth shut?/  I would rather be obliterated from the memory of this world than hurt you/  you are who are, and I won't change you/  you have to tell me/  if you don't like it, tell me/  my opinions don't reign supreme/  I am not the core 
that this world turns itself on/  i am nothing/  you are everything/  so tell me/ 

come to my arms and share your heart/  because i am frustrated at my self/  and i hate this little girl/  i hate that she thinks she's 
so important/  i hate that she can't subject herself to you/  Katti tries, but she ends up taking over herself again/  the anarchy 
begins to tear at me/  

i know i hurt you/  i hate that/  i hate it/  i can't do it/  i don't want to/  tear me apart, start from the bottom and rebuild a new 
republic/  the mobs are taking over, wreaking havoc in my mind/

my love, it's been to long/  i need you/  i need you/  i don't want to push you away/  

I'm sorry

I'm so sorry

Apr. 4th, 2007

the healing of a broken angel

To get rid of it...

I need a heart that carries on through the pain
When the walls start collapsing again
Give me a soul that never ceases to follow
Despite the infection within










So, I guess that's it...maybe I'm the one that needs to let go.
Maybe I'm the one who's begging myself to stop.
Maybe I'm causing my own death.
Maybe I've left an door open somewhere. I just need a new heart.
I need a stronger heart




Mar. 30th, 2007

the healing of a broken angel

After the World-Disciple...been on my heart for three of four days

You break the glass, try to hide your face 
Recorded lines that just will not erase 
And buried in your loss of innocence 
You wonder if you’ll find it again 

Was I there for the worst of all your pain? 
And was I there when your blue skies ran away? 
Was I there when the rains were flooding you off your feet? 
Those were My tears falling down for you, falling down for you 

I’m the One that you’ve been looking for 
I’m the One that you’ve been waiting for 
I’ve had My eyes on you ever since you were born 
I will love you after the rain falls down 
I will love you after the sun goes out 
I’ll have My eyes on you after the world is no more 

Did I arrange the light of your first day? 
Did I create the rhythm your heart makes? 
Could you believe when your candle starts to fade? 
I want to be the One that you believe 
Could take it all away, take your heart away 

Isn’t My life a clear sign since I have crossed over this chasm 
To fill the space between Me and you? 
And I will do it all over again 
Just look for Me, just wait for Me 

The One you’ve been looking for 
The One you’ve been waiting for 
You won’t have to look anymore
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<pre><font size="2">You <u>break the glass</u>, try to <u>hide your face</u></font> Recorded lines that just will not erase And buried <font size="2"><u>in </u></font><font size="2"><u>your loss of innocence You wonder if you’ll find it again </u></font> <font size="2"><u>Was I there for the worst of all your pain?</u></font> And was I there when your blue skies ran away? <u>Was I there when the rains were flooding you off your feet? Those were My tears falling down for you, falling down for you</u> I’m the One that you’ve been looking for I’m the One that you’ve been waiting for <u>I’ve had My eyes on you ever since you were born</u> <u>I will love you after the rain falls down I will love you after the sun goes out</u> I’ll have My eyes on you after the world is no more Did I arrange the light of your first day? Did I create the rhythm your heart makes? Could you believe when your candle starts to fade? <u>I want to be the One that you believe Could take it all away, take your heart away</u> Isn’t My life a clear sign since I have crossed over this chasm To fill the space between Me and you? <u>And I will do it all over again Just look for Me, just wait for Me</u> The One you’ve been looking for The One you’ve been waiting for <u>You won’t have to look anymore <img height="1" alt="" width="1" border="0" www.christianrocklyrics.com="" /></u></pre>

Mar. 29th, 2007

angel of death

Luce

 Raquel held her breath as the screaming demon roared it's blaspemies at her.  She kept her cool.  It was just another being who had too much ego for his own good.  When the demon saw that he wasn't phasing her, he growled and shook his fist at her.  She knew good and well that he would love to just rip right into her flesh.  Raquel smiled as she drew her sword,  "I suggest you leave before you lose that tongue of yours."  The demon roared, but knew better than to try and cross her.  His body shook with anger and frustration.  His slimy muscles tensed, he was ready for a fight.  Sulfur breath seeped from his sinister lips.  Raquel sighed, "Luce, when will you learn to leave me alone?"  The demon smiled. He had been found out.  Slowly, the monsterous being turned human.  By appearances, Luce seemed harmless.  He was actually quite a good looking guy, and many girls had been duped by his honey sweet voice.  But Raquel knew better.  She sheathed her sword and waited for him to answer.

Luce took his time as usual.  He continued to grin as he pulled a cigarette out, lit it, and took in a long draw.  "Raquel, I can't leave you alone.  How could I?  You were once mine...I miss you."  His cackling chuckle turned Raquel's stomach almost as much as his last comment.  He continued, "You look well, as always.  But I'm curious, how did you know it was me?"

Raquel kept her expression stone cold, "Easy, Luce.  No demon is smart enough to hold himself back.  Every demon wants a fight and they'll do anything to get it."  

Luce walked over slowly.  Raquel, out of habit, drew her sword again, ready to cut him down.  Luce held his hands up as he continued to approach her.  "C'mon, Raquel, don't you remember all the fun times we had?  The possessions, the obsessions...the..." his eyes began to wander down her body.

Infuriated, Raquel jammed her sword under his chin and jerked his head up.  "I suggest you control yourself."

Chuckling again, Luce stepped back.  "Okay, Raquel.  I get it.  You don't want me anymore.  You're too good for me.  You're the Beloved, the highest in rank, and the most beautiful.  Why would you want me, such a l
owly, destable creature."  

Raquel had had enough.  "Look, Luce, I don't have time for your sick little games.  You keep doing this to me, and you will leave me with no other choice.  I will have your blood someday."

Luce laughed and turned to walk away, "Yes, Raquel, you probably will.  But in the mean time, I'm going to wreak havoc like you've never seen before..."  He continued to walk away, then stopped and turned, "Oh, and by the way, you might want to go check up on Zane.  You never know these days...Just a thought."  He smiled again.  Turning his face to the sky, his black, leathery wings shot out.  He was gone in seconds. 

Raquel's sword was still in her hands.  Fear crept up next to her and began to whisper.  At first, she listened to his words.  "Haha, my master is going to take him away from you.  You think he loves you?  Well, he won't when my master's threw with him.  He's going to ki--."

Raquel did not let Fear finish.  She turned and stuck a dagger deep into the demon's chest.  He melted into nothing.  Brushing her hands off, she retrieved her knife, sheathed her sword, spread her wings and flew off to find Niad.  She had had it with Luce.  And it was going to end.

Mar. 18th, 2007

the healing of a broken angel

Oh God, I love You


"When I Go Down"

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works

No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships

I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me

And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly


You give me hope, and hope it gives me life

You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise

Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you

And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

the healing of a broken angel

Trendsetters

"This Week The Trend"

And this week the trend
was to not wake up till 3pm
I picked the few conscious hours that I chose to spend
and slept away the rest of them

and this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again
to practice the life that I pretend
provides enough to get me through the weekend

so I say
get me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
and now it's this minute, this hour, this day

And this week the trend
was to backstab every single one of my friends
and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends
all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength that you could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where I said I'd never go again

So I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
but after this day it's this week all over again

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up
cause I know that I don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by
and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up
the healing of a broken angel

Softer Song


"Let It All Out"

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency


and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength


and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength


and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me


reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you


and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light
the healing of a broken angel

Song in my head

"My Girl's Ex-Boyfriend"

When he was seeing her
You could see he had his doubts
And now he's missing her
Because he knows he's missing out
Now it's haunting him
The memories like a ghost
He's so terrified
Cause no one else even comes close

He's a guy that you should feel sorry for
He had the world but he thought that he wanted more
I owe it all to the mistake that he made back then
I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend

So then, along comes me,
This undeserving mess (undeserving mess)
Who would believe my life
Would be so blessed (life would be so blessed)
Two years ago
He left all that debris (left all that debris)
Who would of known
It would be everything I need

He's a guy that you should feel sorry for
He had the world but he thought that he wanted more
I owe it all to the mistake that he made back then
I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend

If it wasn't for him
I would still be searching
If it wasn't for him
I wouldn't know my best friend
If it wasn't for him
He would be able to see
If it wasn't for him
He would be as happy as me

She and I settled down you can bet
That he is going to have to settle for less
He's someone that I would hate to be
I got the girl and he's left with just the memory.

He's a guy that you should feel sorry for
He had the world but he thought that he wanted more
I owe it all to the mistake that he made back then
I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend

If it wasn't for him
I would still be searching
If it wasn't for him
I wouldn't know my best friend
If it wasn't for him
He would be able to see
If it wasn't for him
He would be as happy as me

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