Later, the exhausted warrior lay in the darkness. She had ended up in a heap on the floor, still covered in blood and filth. She had no strength to clean herself up. The house, her room, was ablsolutely quiet. Above her, a little window remained open, letting in a gentle breeze. The fresh air felt soothing to her body. She had a few wounds. A small cut on her upper arm, and two on her calves. She would get to cleaning them up soon enough. Right now, she just wanted to be alone in her thoughts. She wanted no sound. She only wanted an explanation to the questions that she knew no one would ever be able to answer. Some times she wondered if Father even cared. She fought one demon after another and still never found the answers she sought. What was strength when you are so empty? What is a smile when you feel so battered? What is a kind word when you know that you will only spout off indecencies.
I need a heart.
She was hardened. Probably, the tougest warrior in all of the hosts. Yet, she felt far from being hard. She felt scared as she lay curled up in a tight ball on her cold hard floor. She lived to kill. And she knew that only Father knew her true motives. She had asked Father once why He did not force her motives to be different. But His answer had been one of truth, and one that she did not like. "You have a free will, my daughter. You have to want the right motives." Raquel had turned away, feeling some what disgusted. She was tired of this. She wanted for once not to be able to feel. She didn't want to feel the betrayal. She didn't want to feel the desire for vegence. She didn't want the feeling to run away from everything and everyone. She wanted to disappear from the world. She wanted to cry out. She wanted to scream. All of those words of anger that were pent up inside of her. She just wanted to let it all out.
I need a heart that carries on through the pain when the world starts collapsing again.
She clenched her fist, her teeth. She braced herself for the onset of screams. But nothing came out. She couldn't do it. To let it out...would be the manifestion of feelings that she did not want to face. To let it out...would make her weak.
Just let me sleep