A river flows within

To kill the pain, to kill me away.  To take me away.  To make me stay.  To flow with you.  To stay true.  To hold me close.  To scare away the ghosts.  To breathe in my ear.  To make sure that you are always near.  To drown in your love.  

I will pull the trigger.

Put the bullet through my pride.  To kill me when I try to hide.  Put the bullet through my fear.  To keep all that I hold near.  Put the bullet through my walls.  To kill me when hatred calls.  

I will pull the trigger.

Hold me close tonight.  Listen as I scream my fright.  Hold me.  I want to cry so bad, as my heart cracks open and pours out the crimson blood on the floor.  I only want to be close to you.  

I will pull the trigger.

I need to heal, so pull the trigger to kill...all that I was.  Not what I am...what I was.  

Hold me close tonight.  Listen as I scream my fright.  Hold me.  I want to be near so bad, as my heart cracks open and pours out the violet blood that has made us one.  I only want to love you.

I will pull the trigger.

And you will be the hand that stops the bullet.

Worked hard today.  Yeah.  And I miss you, John.  My muscles hurt, my heart hurts even more.  I think I killed my box.  I've posted on a linux forum, so hopefully someone will have an answer for me.  

I get the Jeep tomorrow!  Yay!  Man, it will be nice to drive by myself.  It'll be fun, too!  I am so tired.   I miss John so much.  So, so much.  There is nothing that can honestly say how much I miss him.  It hurts me to be so close to him, yet so far away.  I just miss him.  

I miss you.

"AAAAHHH!"  Raquel swept wide with her sword, cutting deep into the enemies that surrounded her.  She would not be defeated.  Her eyes burned crimson red.  Her heart pounded in her chest.  She wanted to win and this time she would.  The demons barred their yellow teeth at her, but she was not phased.  She never would be.  Her anger and frustration fueled her fight.  As Niad might say, she was fighting for all of the wrong reasons.  She was sick.  Sick of being frustrated.  Sick of being confused, never knowing what to do with herself.  She wanted answers.  She wanted to know why.  She wanted to know why she kept fighting this seemingly endless battle.  


Later, the exhausted warrior lay in the darkness.  She had ended up in a heap on the floor, still covered in blood and filth.  She had no strength to clean herself up.  The house, her room, was ablsolutely quiet.  Above her, a little window remained open, letting in a gentle breeze.  The fresh air felt soothing to her body.  She had a few wounds.  A small cut on her upper arm, and two on her calves.  She would get to cleaning them up soon enough.  Right now, she just wanted to be alone in her thoughts.  She wanted no sound.  She only wanted an explanation to the questions that she knew no one would ever be able to answer.  Some times she wondered if Father even cared.  She fought one demon after another and still never found the answers she sought.  What was strength when you are so empty?  What is a smile when you feel so battered?  What is a kind word when you know that you will only spout off indecencies.  

I need a heart.

She was hardened.  Probably, the tougest warrior in all of the hosts.  Yet, she felt far from being hard.  She felt scared as she lay curled up in a tight ball on her cold hard floor.  She lived to kill.  And she knew that only Father knew her true motives.  She had asked Father once why He did not force her motives to be different.  But His answer had been one of truth, and one that she did not like.  "You have a free will, my daughter.  You have to want the right motives."  Raquel had turned away, feeling some what disgusted.  She was tired of this.  She wanted for once not to be able to feel.  She didn't want to feel the betrayal.  She didn't want to feel the desire for vegence.  She didn't want the feeling to run away from everything and everyone.  She wanted to disappear from the world.  She wanted to cry out.  She wanted to scream.  All of those words of anger that were pent up inside of her.  She just wanted to let it all out.  

I need a heart that carries on through the pain when the world starts collapsing again.  

She clenched her fist, her teeth.  She braced herself for the onset of screams.  But nothing came out.  She couldn't do it.  To let it out...would be the manifestion of feelings that she did not want to face.  To let it out...would make her weak.  

Just let me sleep 

My struggle...fought with words of caustic passion...
My fight...fought with icy swords of hate and rebellion....
My scream...sounded through the trumpets of a ceaseless wind...
My tears....flowing with the river's silence...


I fight my fight with words in my mind.  I fight the temptations with verses...simple, yet powerful in utterance.  I whisper my prayers in solitude and in turmoil.  I fight my mind...I fight it with logic, with what little bit of reason that I can grasp.  Some would call me strong.  Some would only call me unlucky.  I try not to care about what they think.  I learned long ago that I can not worry about them, for they will always lie and deceive to get their way.  I mean the humans when I say "they" or "them."  I know...I should not be so quick to judge or to categorize, but did I not say that this was my fight?  A fight with the mind?  So, leave me to delusions.  While, yes, I am an AS2, I am still human, and prone to many of their weaknesses.  I struggled with my weakness, the insecurity...It got me into a good deal of trouble.  It started out innocently enough...a fellow took me in.  But with all fellow's and young girls...well, I do not need to tell you what happened after that.  His name is Luce.  I say "is" and not "was" because in many ways, he is still a large part of my life.  However, not at all in the way that I would ever want.  I considered myself quite lucky at the time, to be taken in by what seemed to be a nice young men.  He had lots of other girls, too, and lots of other boys my age.  Why he singled me out, I will probably never know.  But, he took an odd fancy to me.  I basically became his "pet," or "slave" as I look back upon it now...I spiraled down into a life full of addictions, lusts, and horrific habits.  To make a very long, harsh story short, it was my little sister, Niad, and our posse that found me and plucked me out in the nick of time.  Well, let us give credit where credit is due.  It was actually Father's doing.  The very being that I swore to hate for the rest of my days.  It was nothing that He had done, but rather I blamed Him for the death of my beloved parents.  I later came to terms with the fact that it was their own choice that was their death.  After coming to this realization, I was able to learn Father once again.  It was not hard to do.  Father is generous to His many children.  He loves us...loves us so much. 

Now, my purpose is bringing souls back to Father.  While I may hold a very personal grudge against Luce, I think that most of us do.  We will do whatever it takes to defeat the Demon Lord.  I fight for my Father, my God, my Savior.  It is a hard fight.  Yes, we may fight with guns and swords, daggers and switchblades.  But the fight is much deeper than that.  The fight is about saving lives.  It is about saving others from the Hell that was my life.  Sometimes, the mental strain can seem almost too much.  But I will not give up.  I am a fighter.  This struggle, this earthly struggle, is nothing to me.  My Father has given me the adequate weapons and tools to win the battle.  I am a warrior, a proud AS2 of the Heavenly Hosts.  I am Raquel and this is my story...

"ZANE!  ZANE!"  Raquel shouted into the darkness, but heard nothing...

Zane lay curled up in a corner of the alley, bruised, bones broken in several places.  How could he face Raquel?  How could he?  Gritting his teeth, Zane lifted his gun and shot into the air.

Raquel heard the gun shot and saw the burst of light.  Breaking into a desperate run, she pounded the six blocks to where Zane had been attacked.  Raquel turned down the alley, crashing to the ground where Zane lay under the street lamp. 

"Zane!"  Tears filled her eyes at the sight of her beloved crumpled into a helpless heap.  Zane looked worse than he felt.  His face had several purple welts on it.  His arms covered in blood and several deep gashes.  She could tell by his labored breathing that his lungs had been bruised.  It was likely that he also had some broken ribs.  His pants were torn on the right leg, revealing a gash that ran from his kneecap to the back of his middle calf muscle.  "Zane, what happened?"

Raquel fell to her knees beside Zane, cradling him in her arms.  He looked up at Raquel, his own eyes full of tears, "I..." he choked, "I don't know.  We got ambushed...and..."

Raquel had begun to rip Zane's shirt off to expose any other wounds that might be more severe than what she saw on the outside.  She stopped, "Wait, where's Niad?"

Zane hung his head,  "There were so many.  I had no cover.  I'm...I'm..."  He hid his face from Raquel and wept.

"Darn it, Zane, WHERE'S NIAD?"  

Zane only shook his head, unable to tell Raquel what had happened.  He still could not believe what had happened.

Raquel stood up slowly, her eyes wide in disbelief.  Anger began to wash over her.  "No!  That filthy hell cat!" she screamed.  She knelt again beside Zane, "How many were there?"

Zane thought for an agonizing moment, clenching his teeth, "I...think...it was thirty.  There were only...unh...five to start with...but then...ahh...they started coming out of nowhere."

Raquel grabbed for her cell phone and dialed Keira's number.  

Zane rolled onto his stomach, clutching at his chest, breathing hard.  "Help me."

Raquel leaned over him, rubbing his back gently.  "You're going to be fine, love."  She was trying to stay calm, but on the inside-

"Hello?"

"Keira!  I need you and Nathan NOW in the alley behind the abandoned warehouse!"

"Should I bring back ups?"

"No!  Just hurry!  Bring the car."  Raquel threw the phone down.  Zane's body was beginning to go into shock.  His sweat was cold and his breathing was irregular.  Raquel had never encountered this before.  Having no idea what to do, she drug Zane up into her lap, wrapping her arms tightly around him to try to keep him warm.  "Stay awake, Zane!  C'mon, baby, stay awake for me."

"I'm sorry, Raq.  I'm sorry."  came his hoarse whisper.

"Shh..baby, there was nothing you could have done.  I love you, okay?  I'm not mad, okay?  I love you.  Everything is going to be fine."

Zane's body was racked with pain.  He gritted his teeth, but the pain was too much.  

Raquel found herself becoming impatient.  C'mon, Nathan, hurry up.  Please, Jesus, help us.

The squeal of tires brought Raquel out of her prayers.  Keira jumped out, running to Raquel's side, Nathan soon following behind.  Zane was trying desperately to keep himself conscience, but he could feel his mind slipping away from him.  Keira knelt beside them, while Nathan stood over to keep watch, praying silently for his best friend.  Raquel grabbed for Zane's bloody hand, letting him squeeze it hard, "I'm not going anywhere, Zane, and neither are you!  Hang in there, baby!  I love you."

Zane nodded slowly.  "I love you, too, Raquel.  I love you with all of my heart."  He felt so weak, but he knew that he could not give up now.  Raquel leaned down and kissed him tenderly on the lips.  He smiled.  That was all of the strength that he needed.  

Keira laid delicate fingers over Zane's chest, praying softly.  Raquel followed suit in her prayer language.  Within a few minutes, Zane's face began to relax as the pain began to lessen under Keira's warm hands.  Another one of Keira's many gifts was that of Faith, which produced Healing...all under the blood of Jesus.  Zane felt his pulse grow stronger, felt his lungs relax.  He took in a deep breath.  His wounds were still bleeding, but at least he knew that the life threatening part was over.  "I'm okay,"  he whispered.  Raquel's tears left her eyes unfettered.  He reached up and kissed Raquel.  "You and Keira need to go alert the hosts that Niad has been...They need to know right away.  We cannot afford to...not have Niad with us right now."

Nathan stepped over to the group, reaching out and pulling Zane slowly to his feet.  Raquel supported Zane and they all walked slowly to the car.  

The three stretched Zane out in the back seat.  Raquel climbed in, leaning over Zane, "Please, let's send Keira and Nathan.  I want to be with you.  I want to take care of you."  Her eyes were full of concern and tears.  Zane could not refuse her, but...what if Luce went to the lake in search of Raquel, who was now more vunerable than ever.  Keira was not a warrior and although Nathan was well trained, the group did yet have enough prayer cover to defeat the Demon Lord and his mercenaries.

He touched Raquel's face, "Baby, I want you to be safe.  You will be safe in the City.  Please don't be stubborn about this."

Raquel scrunched her face up in defiance.

Chuckling, Zane took a strand of her curls and kissed them, "You are so cute when you're stubborn, though."

Nathan poked his face through the front window, "Raquel, listen to Zane.  He's right, it's way to dangerous for you to be here right now.  Go with Keira.  I may not be much of a nurse, but I think I can handle him."  

Zane looked up at Raquel.  She knew that she could not disobey him.  She gave a sigh, "Okay, Keira and I will go.  We need to go now."

"Thank you, honey.  I will rest better knowing that you are safe, okay?  I will be fine."

Raq nodded.  She kissed him once more, feeling the love surge through his body and out of his lips.  Pulling herself away, she found herself dizzy from his passion.  "I love you, Zane."

"I love you, too, Raq.  Take care, my jewel."

Raquel climbed out, slamming the door shut, and stepping away.  

Nathan rested a hand on her shoulder, "I'll take care of him, I promise."

"You'd better, or I'll kick your butt!"  She growled.

Keira giggled. 

Nathan shot a loving look towards Keira.  "Could you give us a minute, Raquel?"

"Uhh...yeah...sure,"  she replied, feeling a little awkward.  She climbed back into the front seat.  She didn't mind.  It meant a little extra time with Zane, anyways.

Raquel was dizzy, again.  Picking up the pieces of the broken glass, she quickly pushed the rest of the shattered mirror under her dresser.  She could not understand.  It seemed as though her hands could not grip anything.  And these dizzy spells...what was it?   She stayed crouching on the floor for a moment...The tapping, it was starting...

Tap....tap....tap...tap, tap, tap...

Raquel gave her head a violent shake.  What the heck was going on?  She opened her mouth, but no sound came out.  Shaking, she lifted herself from the floor, attempting to stand...But the tapping...it was getting louder.

Tap...tap...tap...tap...tap, tap, tap, tap...

"Stop it!  Shut up, Luce!  Get out of my head!"

Raquel's desperate cries brought Niad running into the room.  Niad ran to her sister's side and supported her from the side, immediately beginning to pray.  By this point, Raquel was becoming terrified by the constant tapping in her brain.  "Jesus, help me, please."  The tapping become louder.  "NO!  Jesus!"

Tap...You know...Tap...That I will always be...Tap...in the back...Tap...of your memory...

Raquel shoved Niad away, screaming, tearing at her hair. She made for the large mirror hanging on the wall.  Niad lunged for her.  Raquel, screaming, hit Niad hard on the shoulder, throwing Niad off balance and sending her to the floor.  Raquel had no control over herself.  She only wanted the tapping, the voices, to stop.  "Make it stop!  Shut-up.  Jesus, help me." 

Like that, the tapping stopped.  Overcome with exhaustion, Raquel collapsed on the ground.  Niad knelt beside her sister, trying desperately to comfort Raquel.  Zane burst into the room.  Niad looked up at him with relief in her eyes.  "Zane!  Help me, she had another attack."

Zane crossed to Raquel's side, "It's Luce.  He tried to tap into me, too."  Putting his arms around Raquel, he began to wipe her cheeks dry.  "Raq, baby, talk to me."

Raquel shook her head, still whimpering like a baby.  "Tell him to go away.  Please.  Make it stop.  Why?  Why is this happening?"  

Only Zane knew fully what Raquel was going through.  Ever since Luce had figured out how to tap into Zane's mind, he had experienced the same peircing tapping and Luce's eery voice.  The first time it had ever happened to him, Zane had layed on the floor for hours in agony.  When he went to Father about it, Father had told him that there was only one way to stop it:  Saying the name of Jesus.  Of course, Zane had thought, why didn't I think of that?  But was it not human nature to try and solve all problems in his own strength first?  The next time it had happened, Zane was prepared.  But, for some reason, Luce seemed to have a stronger hold on Raquel.  Maybe it was her previous association with him.  Her first attack had been almost deadly.  Zane had found her on the bathroom floor, all glass objects broken, her fists bloody and torn.  It had been almost two weeks since that first attack, and four since Luce had ambushed them on the street, vowing to win Raquel back into his filthy fold.  Zane was determined, though.  Even if it meant his death, Luce would never touch Raquel again.  Raquel's attacks were becoming more frequent, occuring every three or four days.  Zane wished he could put a stop to it, but it was a fight that only Raquel could win.  

Raquel collapsed into Zane's arms, weeping like a frightened child.  She was exhausted.  But it was not the mental fights she was having with Luce that was tearing her apart.  Yes, they were exhausting.   It was the fight that she knew was coming.  She knew Luce.  She knew him better than anyone else could or would ever want to know.  She knew that this was the beginning of the battle to come.  She was terrified.  Absolustely terrified.  

"Please...help me be strong...please help me fight."

Zane held on to her tighter.  "Be strong.  I'm here, and I'm not leaving you...Ever."

What was that?  Going home?  Really?  Yes, I'm going home.  Not that I absolutely abhor California, but I think "Hate"  pretty well classifies my strong feelings against this state of insanity.  I miss my Prince John.  I cannot wait to see him!  Yay!  I'm excited!

  She knew that it was something that she needed...ah...but...what?  Always a question that she was asking, she only wished that she could get an answer for the fear that was building up inside of her.  She rolled over to face the dark window that poured out a putrid sickness before her.  She grabbed the gun from her nightstand and silently slipped out of the house...a walk...that was what she needed.  She knew that it was dangerous, but nothing scared her.  Darkness was her disguise, and at times, she felt, her only friend.  Stepping out into the dark street, she stuck the automatic into her belt and continued on her way.  She would take a simple walk, just enough to clear her screaming mind...Two blocks later, her mind was still in an uproar.  She broke out into a desperate run...she had to get rid of this feeling.  What was going on?  How come she could not get out of this confusion?  She needed time she knew, but right now, time was her enemy.  

She turned into a dark alley.  Maybe complete darkness would help...She slowed, feeling along the wall...this is ridiculous...feeling along like a scared rat...Taking her hand from the wall, she allowed herself to wander away from it's hard security.  The moon would be her guide.  She could see its dim light though the brick cracks.  She stopped...what was that?  She drew her gun and spun around, narrowing her eyes to focus.  She heard nothing...She kicked at the ground, to let whoever was there know that she knew...Nothing.  She took another step...."Maybe this wasn't-"  She felt the cold wind of a breath behind her.  She spun, aiming her gun, ready to fire.  A deep voice came out of the darkness, "Raquel?"  Raquel relaxed, rolling her eyes and slipping the gun back into its holster.  It was only Zane.  "Zane...why must you always follow me?"  

Zane stepped out of the shadows and kicked sheepishly.  "I don't want you to get hurt.  You know its dangerous."  

Raquel scoffed, "Thanks for the concern, Zane, but I can handle myself."

Zane felt a little hurt by her sudden hostility.  "Look, Raquel, I know that you're going through a lot, you know, losing Harley and all, but you and I...we were...I just...I love you, and I don't want to lose you."

Her heart was pricked, and she could feel herself bleeding on the inside.  Why Harley?  Why did he have to bring back Harley?  Why couldn't everyone just leave her alone?  "Zane, I know that you want to help, but this something that I need to figure out myself."

"Raquel,"  he said softly, "You need me right now...Let me be there for you.  You know that you cannot do this on your own."  

Raquel looked away.  This was not her way.  She had to be tough for herself.  She had to prove to herself that she could get herself through anything.  

Zane knew better than to let her continue on with this. That had been his first mistake:  listening to Keira and not going after Raquel when she needed him the most.  He was not going to let that happen again. Grabbing her hand, he led her out of the alley and into the street lights.  "Listen to me Raquel, I will not let you run away from your team because you supposedly have things to work out with yourself.  You know just as well as I do that you are ust running from the situation!  Harley would not want this!  Let me help you, please."

Steeling herself from the pain, Raquel wrenched herself away from Zane's grasp.  But Zane would not take no for an answer.  Reaching out, he grabbed her by the shoulders, "Raquel, wake up!  You're killing yourself and the rest of us...You're killing me!  I love you!  Are you hearing me:  I love you!"

Raquel looked up with startled eyes at her best friend.  It was coming back.  It was like she was awakening from a dream:  the beach, the wind, the smell of the ocean, Zane's fingers running through her hair...his body close to her's...his right hand behind her neck and his left around her waist...his lips...against hers...his voice, whispering, "I love you, Raquel."  She had just lost her brother, to her own hand.  She had been broken by that, and he had been there for her.  Her best friend then, her best friend now.  How could she ignore him anymore?  She knew she was hurting him, every time she had pushed him away since Harley's recent death.  But she had sworn...sworn...never to love again.  But...her emotions were running crazy.  His eyes were trained upon her.  She could see it...he loved her so much.  She knew that she needed him.  It was as if a fire was burning in his eyes.  A fire of passion, love...friendship.  

Zane could see that she had fallen into that chasm.  He tried again, "Raquel, please, I love you."  

Overcome, she realized that she could no longer resist.  His strong scent filled her nostrils.  His words pierced into her soul...I love you...She closed her eyes.  Her body began to relax.  Zane brought his hands up and held her face in them.  He was waiting...he had been waiting for so long.  He could have her so easily.  He could kiss her right now so easily.  But that was not what he wanted.  He wanted her to surrender first.  He wanted her to realize that she loved him, too.  He knew that she did.  He had felt it that first night they had kissed.  He felt it when Raquel had receieved the letter from Harley...the look that had said, "Zane, please, don't leave me."  Maybe that had been his mistake.  He realized now that he should have not listened to Keira and let Raquel run off by herself.  But now was his chance to redeem himself...and he would wait until she was ready to catch her...

Raquel felt it again, it was the wind of his soul washing over her.  She felt herself giving in.  Was she ready?  She looked back into those crystal blue eyes...he was just waiting....struggling, but waiting.  She tensed once more, but he held on even tighter.  "Okay...okay...I...I...Zane...I do need you...help me."  Like a weak newborn filly, she collapsed into his arms...like she always did.  Zane held her tightly...stroking her hair.  It felt so natural, like he was made to hold her, and only her.  He wanted to hold her forever, to be her strength, to be her energy, to be her everything.

    Then, she said the words he had waited so long to hear, "Zane, I won't hide from you anymore...I love you, too."

His whole world came together at that moment.  Everything that he had ever desired manifested at that moment.  He held her tighter than ever, listening to her quiet sobs.  Tears stung his own eyes as he began to repeat the words over and over again, "I love you.  I love you.  I love you."

She pulled back gently so that she could look back into his eyes.  "I'm sorry I made you wait for so long."  Zane could not help but smile as he took a strand of her hair in his hands..."I would have waited a hundred years for you.  Do you wanna walk for a minute?"

She nodded as he took her hand in his hand and led her on.  He was on cloud nine.  He, Zane Mit, was holding Raquel's hand!  He felt himself stand up straighter, feeling like he was protecting the most treasured jewel on earth!  And why not?  She was the most valuable thing on earth.  

Her gentle voice broke into his thoughts, "Zane?"

"Yeah?"

"You know that I've always loved you?"

He stopped and turned to her, "I had hoped so.  I couldn't be sure, but I prayed that you did."  

"You know that I was just trying to protect myself...pushing you away?"

"I thought maybe that was why, but I'm not real good with women's psychology.  I failed that class!"

They laughed and continued walking.

"Zane?"

"Yes?"

"Do you ever think about that night...you know, when you first kissed me?"

"Yeah...actually, I do."

Raquel was silent for a moment.  "Zane?"

This time Zane stopped and turned her towards himself, grabbing her face in his hands and looking boldly into her eyes.  "Tell me again, Raquel, tell me that you love me."

Her hands went up to his and she held them there,  "I do, I love you, Zane."

"I've waited all my life...all of it, to hear you say that to me.  I love you, Raquel.  I would have waited forever to hear you say that to me.  No matter what you go through, I am your best friend, and I always will be.  When you need to cry, scream, vent, laugh, love, whatever, I promise you, I will never leave you.  Even if you never returned my love for you.  I love you, Raquel."

Raquel smiled for what felt like the first time.  "I can't help but love you.  You're so good to me...How could I not love you?"

Zane smiled back...his heart pounding.  His breath came fast.  Was she ready?  He leaned over and kissed her forhead carefully.  She was so fragile.  She didn't even know how fragile she really was.  He wanted to take care her of her so much.  Gently, he wrapped his arms around her.  It was all she needed, was for someone to love her like this. 

I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE...I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE...I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE...NO!

SCREAM YOUR NAME TILL YOU COME BACK!

There is a girl...eyes full of tears...yes, the pain...it is...unbearable.  But it dulls in comparison to the pain that is in her soul.  She wants her Prince...she needs him...more than anything.  

The Princess rolls to lie on her back and stare up at the ceiling.  She misses him so.  Restless, she rises and crosses to the window.  Outside, the stars are shimmering and dancing.  The moonlight reflects off the crystal waters as the wind plays with the grass.  But the world is void of beauty if he is not there to hold her.  She sighs, continuing to stare out the window at what seems to her a black and voidless night.  How much longer?  How much longer?  Tell me...how long?

I'M GONNA SCREAM YOUR NAME TILL YOU COME BACK

She knew that there was nothing that she could do right now

I KNOW THAT YOU'LL BE HERE, AND I'LL BE WAITING...I KNOW THAT YOU'LL BE NEAR AND...I'LL BE WAITING...

But press through.  She just needs to press through.  I want you...I need you...

BURY THIS INSIDE....DEAD FROM THE INSIDE OUT...WAITING....

I need to run to you...run with all that I have until I am back in your arms.  I love you so much.  I will be home soon, love.

I'VE LOST MY MIND AND I'VE LOST TRACK...SCREAM YOUR NAME TILL YOU COME BACK

LOST MY MIND....

LOST MY MIND....

LOST MY MIND....

I KNOW THAT YOU'LL BE HERE AND....I'LL BE WAITING

My prince...my heart, my home...I will be home soon.  No matter what the obstacles are, I will be home...count on it...Your Princess will go mute screaming your name...until she is back in your arms...

I CAN SEE YOU THROUGH THE BLACK

Today should be a day of complete peace.  A day where children can honor their mothers and express their love and adoration.  So, why did I sit in church, holding a delicate iris in my hand, with tears clouding my vision?  Why did I feel that I was left out?  That I was in a world I don't belong in?  There was a little girl sitting with her mother about two pews in front of me.  Her mother was doting on the little golden headed five year.  She was arrayed in a paisley yellow sweater.  Under that, she wore a pretty pink frock.  Yes, she was blissfully happy.  Her mom was middle aged was well dressed.  She looked like a typical tennis mom.  Anyways, she obviously loved her daughter as much as the little girl adored her equally enchanting mother.  When the little girl started to cry, mommie gently pulled her daughter into her lap, kissing her forhead, and hushing her gently....

   What would this do to a girl of eighteen who missed, longed for that relationship with her mother?  Broke her...But she pushed the tears away.  She won't cry.  She won't cry over spilled milk.  Why should she?  Someday...someday...it would all be better.  So, womanly courage took over and she called her mom to say "Happy Mother's Day," the image of mother/daughter still fresh in her mind.  The conversation seemed distant...but it was something.  

     So, with this tiny ray of hope in her heart, she finds that it was all a facade.  Mommie was going behind her back, yet again, to hurt her.  She couldn't take it anymore.  

     So what did she do to deserve this?  She isn't sure, and she really does not want to know.  She wants to pretend that everything between her and mommie is fine, although she knows that it is not.  It's not fair.  

    Oh, little girl, if only you knew.  Hold onto your mommie.  She is precious, she is the apple of your eye.  That is how it need to be.  Lean on her and learn all that she knows.  Keep her close.  Don't break her heart.  Do everything that you can to make her proud.  Don't deny who you are, but continue to let her love you.  Because she does love you, and you know.  Follow her, and honor her...then, you will be truly at peace when it is time to leave the nest.

Oh, mother, please, hold onto your little girl, she needs you so much.  When she is tender, hold her tight, hush her gently.  Do not throw her dreams out with her when life gets tough.  Speak gently to her, she is a tender flower.  Be loving to her, no matter what.  Let her know that she come to you with anything and everything.  I know that you love her...just make sure that she knows that.  She will be strong, secure, beautiful, just like you, in your love.  Love her, mom, love her always...

Oh, but Mother, I've got vices like any other man.  Vices that you're not used to...Vices that'll make you think less of me.

Happy Mother's Day

I will do whatever it takes.  I deleted all of my anime.  All of it.  I don't need it.  It's not who I am.  It's not who I want to be.  I'll start over.  All over.  But I don't need it.  I don't have to be independent.  I don't have to be tough.  I don't need to keep a gun poised at my head twenty four hours a day.  I don't need it.  I don't want it.  I'll do whatever I can to change.  I'll get rid of whatever else I need to cut out to stop.  

Don't come down on my sacrifice.  Don't try to stop my self-genocide.  Just accept that I need to do this.  For me, for you, for God.   I'm not denying who I am...I'm denying who I was.

I love you

Too far, too long...my heart is trying to be strong/  I sit in my never ending silence and count the tears falling from the sun/  what is this loneliness my heart pours out as it breaks in two?/ my frustration mounts as I bite my tongue and push myself down into the shell that is myself/  and no one understands/  i am not darkness, i only sleep there/  the light pushes itself upon me and wakes me to another day/  but why?/ this loneliness has eaten me/ much like the blackeness of night slowly eats at the moon until there is only a sliver left/  i stare at you and scream for you to answer me, but the paper only silently peers back/  i pull the picture down and tear it apart/  run away/  run away from you forever/

Too far, too long...my heart is trying to be strong/  I cannot force my mind away from him/  it's been to long/  my heart aches to find solace in his arms/  my mind seeks justification in his voice/  i beg for the control/  beg to submit to someone who loves me/  so why am I frustrated when it feels like I'm not good enough?/  i know I am...but why can't I accept it?/  why do I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with my words glued to my lips?/  why do I say stupid things?/  why do I scream for a silent tongue, and yet, I still speak the words that cut and tear/  the words that kill/  why doesn't someone cut my tongue out so I won't hurt anyone, so I won't say idle words that only get me in trouble?/  why?/ why can't I just shut up?/  why?/  why do i insist on being different than everyone else?/  why do I have to assert myself to justify my prideful actions?/  why do I feel that everyone should conform to what I think and everyone should like my ideas?/  why?/  

my heart is in a state of constant panick/ trying to understand itself but hurting you in the process/  what happens if I go over the edge because I can't keep my mouth shut?/  I would rather be obliterated from the memory of this world than hurt you/  you are who are, and I won't change you/  you have to tell me/  if you don't like it, tell me/  my opinions don't reign supreme/  I am not the core 
that this world turns itself on/  i am nothing/  you are everything/  so tell me/ 

come to my arms and share your heart/  because i am frustrated at my self/  and i hate this little girl/  i hate that she thinks she's 
so important/  i hate that she can't subject herself to you/  Katti tries, but she ends up taking over herself again/  the anarchy 
begins to tear at me/  

i know i hurt you/  i hate that/  i hate it/  i can't do it/  i don't want to/  tear me apart, start from the bottom and rebuild a new 
republic/  the mobs are taking over, wreaking havoc in my mind/

my love, it's been to long/  i need you/  i need you/  i don't want to push you away/  

I'm sorry

I'm so sorry

You break the glass, try to hide your face 
Recorded lines that just will not erase 
And buried in your loss of innocence 
You wonder if you’ll find it again 

Was I there for the worst of all your pain? 
And was I there when your blue skies ran away? 
Was I there when the rains were flooding you off your feet? 
Those were My tears falling down for you, falling down for you 

I’m the One that you’ve been looking for 
I’m the One that you’ve been waiting for 
I’ve had My eyes on you ever since you were born 
I will love you after the rain falls down 
I will love you after the sun goes out 
I’ll have My eyes on you after the world is no more 

Did I arrange the light of your first day? 
Did I create the rhythm your heart makes? 
Could you believe when your candle starts to fade? 
I want to be the One that you believe 
Could take it all away, take your heart away 

Isn’t My life a clear sign since I have crossed over this chasm 
To fill the space between Me and you? 
And I will do it all over again 
Just look for Me, just wait for Me 

The One you’ve been looking for 
The One you’ve been waiting for 
You won’t have to look anymore

 Raquel held her breath as the screaming demon roared it's blaspemies at her.  She kept her cool.  It was just another being who had too much ego for his own good.  When the demon saw that he wasn't phasing her, he growled and shook his fist at her.  She knew good and well that he would love to just rip right into her flesh.  Raquel smiled as she drew her sword,  "I suggest you leave before you lose that tongue of yours."  The demon roared, but knew better than to try and cross her.  His body shook with anger and frustration.  His slimy muscles tensed, he was ready for a fight.  Sulfur breath seeped from his sinister lips.  Raquel sighed, "Luce, when will you learn to leave me alone?"  The demon smiled. He had been found out.  Slowly, the monsterous being turned human.  By appearances, Luce seemed harmless.  He was actually quite a good looking guy, and many girls had been duped by his honey sweet voice.  But Raquel knew better.  She sheathed her sword and waited for him to answer.

Luce took his time as usual.  He continued to grin as he pulled a cigarette out, lit it, and took in a long draw.  "Raquel, I can't leave you alone.  How could I?  You were once mine...I miss you."  His cackling chuckle turned Raquel's stomach almost as much as his last comment.  He continued, "You look well, as always.  But I'm curious, how did you know it was me?"

Raquel kept her expression stone cold, "Easy, Luce.  No demon is smart enough to hold himself back.  Every demon wants a fight and they'll do anything to get it."  

Luce walked over slowly.  Raquel, out of habit, drew her sword again, ready to cut him down.  Luce held his hands up as he continued to approach her.  "C'mon, Raquel, don't you remember all the fun times we had?  The possessions, the obsessions...the..." his eyes began to wander down her body.

Infuriated, Raquel jammed her sword under his chin and jerked his head up.  "I suggest you control yourself."

Chuckling again, Luce stepped back.  "Okay, Raquel.  I get it.  You don't want me anymore.  You're too good for me.  You're the Beloved, the highest in rank, and the most beautiful.  Why would you want me, such a lowly, destable creature."  

Raquel had had enough.  "Look, Luce, I don't have time for your sick little games.  You keep doing this to me, and you will leave me with no other choice.  I will have your blood someday."

Luce laughed and turned to walk away, "Yes, Raquel, you probably will.  But in the mean time, I'm going to wreak havoc like you've never seen before..."  He continued to walk away, then stopped and turned, "Oh, and by the way, you might want to go check up on Zane.  You never know these days...Just a thought."  He smiled again.  Turning his face to the sky, his black, leathery wings shot out.  He was gone in seconds. 

Raquel's sword was still in her hands.  Fear crept up next to her and began to whisper.  At first, she listened to his words.  "Haha, my master is going to take him away from you.  You think he loves you?  Well, he won't when my master's threw with him.  He's going to ki--."

Raquel did not let Fear finish.  She turned and stuck a dagger deep into the demon's chest.  He melted into nothing.  Brushing her hands off, she retrieved her knife, sheathed her sword, spread her wings and flew off to find Niad.  She had had it with Luce.  And it was going to end.

"When I Go Down"

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

"This Week The Trend"

And this week the trend
was to not wake up till 3pm
I picked the few conscious hours that I chose to spend
and slept away the rest of them

and this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again
to practice the life that I pretend
provides enough to get me through the weekend

so I say
get me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
and now it's this minute, this hour, this day

And this week the trend
was to backstab every single one of my friends
and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends
all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength that you could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where I said I'd never go again

So I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
but after this day it's this week all over again

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up
cause I know that I don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by
and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up

"Let It All Out"

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

"My Girl's Ex-Boyfriend"

When he was seeing her
You could see he had his doubts
And now he's missing her
Because he knows he's missing out
Now it's haunting him
The memories like a ghost
He's so terrified
Cause no one else even comes close

He's a guy that you should feel sorry for
He had the world but he thought that he wanted more
I owe it all to the mistake that he made back then
I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend

So then, along comes me,
This undeserving mess (undeserving mess)
Who would believe my life
Would be so blessed (life would be so blessed)
Two years ago
He left all that debris (left all that debris)
Who would of known
It would be everything I need

He's a guy that you should feel sorry for
He had the world but he thought that he wanted more
I owe it all to the mistake that he made back then
I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend

If it wasn't for him
I would still be searching
If it wasn't for him
I wouldn't know my best friend
If it wasn't for him
He would be able to see
If it wasn't for him
He would be as happy as me

She and I settled down you can bet
That he is going to have to settle for less
He's someone that I would hate to be
I got the girl and he's left with just the memory.

He's a guy that you should feel sorry for
He had the world but he thought that he wanted more
I owe it all to the mistake that he made back then
I owe it all to my girl's ex-boyfriend

If it wasn't for him
I would still be searching
If it wasn't for him
I wouldn't know my best friend
If it wasn't for him
He would be able to see
If it wasn't for him
He would be as happy as me